It Gets Wetter: A Message to Women Who Frequently Have Horrible, Rushed Sex (NSFW)

16 May

Here’s a bold truth: I don’t enjoy penetration of any kind unless I’m wet enough to drown a dolphin. And this truth wouldn’t be a problem if sex weren’t always about penetration. One sex therapist put it best when she said, “If most women don’t have orgasms during ‘sex,’ but do have orgasms, perhaps we need to redefine sex.” Amen and Ashé.

With a redefinition that includes pleasurable, intimate touch, kissing and best of all (for me, anyway) cunnilingus, I realize that I had some of my best sex as a teenager. He was Pentecostal and I was a Baptist youth leader. We were both convinced that sex before marriage was wrong and equally convinced that only penetration was sex.  It was a sultry, sticky summer full of questions that began with “Do you like?” Sex was a lazy journey without a clear destination.

I was soon to learn all about the danger of clarity in a patriarchal society. Since then, sex for me has been a series of negotiations. I know there will usually be a moment when a male partner is ready for penetration and often, that is before I’m ready/ comfortable/ wet / aroused enough. If sex were not a personal expression of political power, these moments would be no more than awkward. It would be like leaning in for a hug first only to find that the other person was disinterested. The problem is that men in a patriarchy are socialized to “lean in” first– always. And those who are not conscious enough to interrogate this socialization begin to believe that leaning in is their right, their privilege. So awkward moments can become coercion, assault, or rape.  Or just horrible sex. But you know that already.

What you may not know is that with time, the right partner, patience and negotiation, it gets wetter. Believe you me.

 So I’d like to start with cunnilingus because, well, I like to start with cunnilingus. It’s a beautiful thing. Direct and indirect clitoral stimulation work together to flood sheets and help you ride the waves of multiple orgasms. A recent study found that there are only 29 people in America who sleep with women but don’t perform cunnilingus and only 11 of those expect to receive fellatio or cunnilingus but think cunnilingus should be reserved for “wifey.” Unfortunately, those 11 get around quite often. My girlfriends keep running into them. I believe that we should start a website to identify these people and block them from hookup or relationship radar.

There are a lot of songs about performing cunnilingus . In fact, the subject has been exhausted with various degrees of tact. The point I’d like to make is that the word “perform” is a misnomer that puts undue pressure on a partner. Unless you are into experimental, interactive theater, performance has connotations of independent expertise. In my experience, cunnilingus is best (especially at first) with a little direction. Those who consider themselves experts can suck you silly or lick you dry if what they’re putting down doesn’t work for your particular pubis.

About that pubis: the porn industry, Zane novels and other forms of sex miseducation would have you believe that a woman can be reduced to her orifices- that these are her only sites of pleasure. My dissertation will be about how the soft skin behind the knee is ignored in popular culture. Or the lost art of booty massage. Or the treatment of the vagina as a cavernous hole that brings pleasure to men or children to the world. Most vagina diagrams show the outer vagina only, leaving the inner workings a mystery.

Outer VAgina

See that small black hole? It's so much more.

I never had a vaginal orgasm until I read this book and saw a diagram of my beautiful vagina, full of nerve endings I never knew existed.

Vagina/ inner

Check out how big your clitoris really is.

When I saw how long the clitoris actually was, I was able to imagine the spongy tissue as I engaged in solo or partnered sex acts. Visualization helped me attach sensation to specific body parts. It was a life changer and I was angry about the years I spent not knowing. Imagine if men were taught that the only way they could achieve orgasm was by massaging the very tips of their penises. You’re right. It wouldn’t happen.

I invite you to study your sexual self. She’s beautiful. Draw her. Paint her (Judy Chicago=FAIL). Write poems to her. She deserves some personalized attention in this world that is hell-bent on her exploitation and commoditization.

I write these things and run the risk of being called crass, hypersexual, or just plain strange because I love you. I want you to know that life can and will be wetter for you. I want you to name it and claim it. I want you to receive this word I have for you. With time, your eyes will roll. Your thighs will spasm uncontrollably. Your pupils will dilate. Your very core will shake like the walls of Jericho when you believe. It will get wetter.

From the other side,

Ashaf

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68 Responses to “It Gets Wetter: A Message to Women Who Frequently Have Horrible, Rushed Sex (NSFW)”

  1. crunktastic May 16, 2011 at 9:25 AM #

    Why, indeed, does it seem that some men are more apt to pleasure you when they are less sure that vaginal penetration will be the end result? It seems that if you let them know they are going to eventually get it, then any notions of giving they might have had fly right out the window. Sigh. Anyway, this post has reminded me of the importance of making time and taking time for myself in every facet of my life, bedroom included. So thanks for that.

    • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 9:19 AM #

      I sure wish I knew the answer to that question. And I also wish I knew how to say “not yet” without a little fear. At least I say it now. And yes, I think we can file this under our 2011 agenda of self-care.

      • damidwif May 17, 2011 at 7:31 PM #

        ashaf, what is your fear?

      • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 8:42 PM #

        My fear is that “not yet” will be ignored as it once was before by someone who I knew, loved and trusted. So I’ve developed a habit of getting right to it (it being penetration) before I’m really ready or aquiescing when a partner makes the move to avoid violence. I’m not saying this happens all the time or even very frequently, but I am being honst about a sexual ptsd thing I am working through.

      • weltike May 19, 2011 at 11:00 AM #

        Agreed … with my partner it is a regular occurrence where there is amazing foreplay going on, having the time of my life, and the last thing I want is for it stop. And then he whispers, “Should I get a condom?” While I appreciate him thinking of safer sex and all the other questions that are embodied in that one (“Are you doing okay?” “Are you ready?” etc.) If I answer “not yet” there is confusion on his part and immediately the rhythm of everything is thrown off. He’s suddenly insecure and everything fails. I on the other hand, the moment he asks the question, become extremely disappointed and try to forget this new emotion immediately, moving onto into penetration. However, body isn’t usually so easily convinced and half the time will stop being aroused, making everything else uncomfortable and even painful.

        There are ways to avoid this awkwardness though. I try to be the proactive one, if things are going well, I make sure to let him know. He has never once interpreted “don’t stop” as lets try something different. I assume he’s like most males and responds well to feedback .. and clear feedback … nothing that can misinterpreted. But then you can’t forget the second part. When you are ready for penetration, you have to let him know. If he trusts that you’ll eventually get there and he doesn’t have to be the one to initiate things, he’s more than willing to oblige 95% of the time. Sex does mean different things to us. I want foreplay, and he wants penetration so its a compromise so that we both get what we want.

        This may only apply to situations where there is a certain level of trust already established between partners. It is much more difficult to achieve in other situations.

  2. Nana Darkoa May 16, 2011 at 9:29 AM #

    Love this article! Especially as I soooo identify with the authoress. I too don’t orgasm during penetration but orgasm is soooo easy with cunninglus and manual stimulation. I also have a blog around African women and sexuality which you may wish to check out http://www.adventuresfrom.com

    Keep up the good work!

    • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 9:20 AM #

      Thank you. ANd I’m enjoying the work on your blog.

  3. soyluv May 16, 2011 at 9:45 AM #

    this; back of the knees–yes & more yes! everyone should discover that & other marvellous places. & i’d also like to randomly add to that notion: crook of the elbow. press lips and drag a tongue along there sometime and see what happens…

    • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 9:20 AM #

      Yes, yes!

  4. Bevin May 16, 2011 at 10:07 AM #

    Preach!! Thank you for posting this!

  5. Maureen O'Danu May 16, 2011 at 10:39 AM #

    I loved this post. I found it through a tweet and re-tweeted it. I hope it brings you lots of traffic. I really appreciate the interior diagram of the female body. The one real *surprise* for me in the article is how long the clitoris is. That explains a lot ;-)

  6. rboylorn May 16, 2011 at 12:20 PM #

    I love! ;)

    • rboylorn May 16, 2011 at 12:21 PM #

      …you had me @ “dolphin.”

      • susiemaye May 16, 2011 at 10:38 PM #

        Word.

      • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 9:21 AM #

        Lol. Thank you ladies.

  7. drst May 16, 2011 at 1:09 PM #

    Adding to the list of neglected parts: the neck and shoulders. Very nice place to start with the kissing.

    also, LUBRICANT! IT’S NOT JUST FOR ANAL SEX! :) Lube is not a substitute for stimulation from an attentive partner but it can be very helpful in either increasing stimulation or easing unpleasant dryness/friction during penetration. Even if you think you get “wet enough” buy a small bottle of basic KY and try it. (Be sure the lube is safe to use with condoms – water based in most cases.)

    • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 8:46 PM #

      Water based lube is an amazing thing. And now I’m interrogating the ableism in this piece because there are some women for whom wet isn’t synonymous with aroused. So yes, thank you for this reminder about lube’s central role in good sex.

      • damidwif May 18, 2011 at 7:07 AM #

        I appreciate your constant reflection though I understand that when you write, you write from your perspective, from your experience. Although I fit into the “nonsynonomous” category, trust, it still gets wetter!!!

        If a woman is perimenopausal, it can be much different.

        And in response to your fear as you described in an earlier comment (there was no reply button up there!), your honesty is commendable as well as the fact that you are working through it. There are many women who feel the same way and I think we should talk about it more.

      • Ashaf May 18, 2011 at 10:02 PM #

        Thank you,damidwif!

    • Simone Lovelace May 30, 2011 at 4:36 PM #

      Totally! I’m an otherwise young woman who just doesn’t get wet, and water-based lube has been my savior in bed. The only hard part is getting my partners on board. I really don’t understand why there’s so much resistance to using lube. Wet, slippery sex = fun!!

  8. ro ro May 16, 2011 at 2:31 PM #

    bodacious and beautiful! thank you for putting this out there!

  9. vizionary7 May 16, 2011 at 5:54 PM #

    Loved this! As a man I must say I heartily agree with your post. I think us as men just think of our own pleasure and dont spend time on the womans, KUDOS

  10. porschia May 16, 2011 at 11:13 PM #

    very powerful. thank you!!!

  11. damidwif May 17, 2011 at 6:40 AM #

    Great piece. I’m embarrassed to admit I was once with a man who never went down. He said he didn’t like doing it. But then he said he only did it with “his woman.” So, what was I for that couple of years??? Simply, not his woman. I gave head freely in the beginning because I wanted to and he happened to be in the right place at the right time. Eventually I ceased that practice because I’m all about fairness. Funny thing though, cunnilingus isn’t even a requirement for me.

    Try this book also for diagrams: Clitoral Truth: The Secret World At Your Fingertips

    I have always wanted to pose a challenge to the ladies: During sex with a man, get your orgasm whatever way you can, but do it first. Then, get up, put your clothes on and thank him (if he was even responsible for it). Call it a day!

    I’m wondering if that’ll teach men a lesson. They’ve been it doing since 4eva.

    • dee May 17, 2011 at 10:08 AM #

      I have done that before. I was a man that I was really feeling until he made that move “player” move on me. During intercourse I felt he wasn’t really genuine in his affections for me and may do this thing often so I got mines, got dressed and told him thanks for a wonderful time. I told him how much he helped release my tension. Then I left. He was pissed to say the least. He didn’t want to speak to me for awhile. It’s been about 7 months and he still cuts his eyes when he sees me. LOL! MEN can’t stand when the tables are reversed.

      • damidwif May 17, 2011 at 7:35 PM #

        lovely

    • M.E May 19, 2011 at 6:56 AM #

      I once did that and the guy got very upset and didn’t speak to me for a little while. When he did, he told me he felt “used”. HA!

      • damidwif May 19, 2011 at 5:07 PM #

        HA!

        I have often spoke of men using women as masturbators, when they aren’t concerned about the woman’s pleasure, especially as it relates to intercourse.

  12. indigo.m May 17, 2011 at 7:06 AM #

    I LOVE BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Simone Lovelace May 30, 2011 at 4:40 PM #

      Hahaha!! I’m a confirmed bisexual, but I’m leaning towards only dating ladies at this point, because I’m so tired of men being all about intercourse.

  13. Robin May 17, 2011 at 9:40 AM #

    I love the fierceness of this post. I think it’s a little strange that it did not address queer/non-straight sex at all, though. Not because every discussion of sex needs to include all sexualities (though I think that’s something to strive for) but because queer people have been redefining what sex is for centuries. Lesbians in particular have written a lot about not making penetration central to sex. I think it is a notable omission in the post.

    • Ashaf May 17, 2011 at 3:11 PM #

      Thank you for the compliment and the comment Robin. I really appreciate it. I hear you about the omission and I will be thinking about ways to be more inclusive when I’m making observations based partially on personal experiences, especially since many of my ideas about sexuality are informed by work I’ve read by queer women of color. Thanks again.

  14. omi May 17, 2011 at 9:50 AM #

    fantastic. i LOVE penetration, but i think lots of folks miss these key points. well done!

  15. EvolvingElle May 17, 2011 at 3:25 PM #

    Thank you for sharing! I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks back, and we both thought that I was crazy that I had never achieved orgasm through penetration. The partners I’ve had seem to think the only erronegous zones are my boobs and my va-jay-jay! My body is one big nerve, and I think if a man would take the time to figure that out both of our experiences would be awesome!

    • damidwif May 17, 2011 at 7:40 PM #

      also, by not speaking up, we lose out on our ability to receive with a willing, caring partner. i think most of us know how to fake it. and most men dont know the difference if they aren’t feeling for it. how bout we stop pretending and be like, no, no, that wasnt it. try again…or not! or, dont let him cum if you dont…if the big o is indeed what you are seeking.

  16. Natalie May 18, 2011 at 5:11 PM #

    Great post! I’d never seen that diagram either, and wow!
    I love your voice and your directness. I wish more women were educated about this. Seems like something mothers should tell their daughters…or friends should tell friends.
    I go to a college with a very skewed ratio of men to women. (7 guys to every lady is a bit crazy, no? Unfortunately, my school’s most popular majors, both Forestry and the Culinary Arts, are dominated by men, but anyhoo…) Sometimes, this fact gets us ladies some good treatment, (Boys are awful nice to the girls they like because there’s so much competition) yet sometimes the farm-boy sexism is inescapable. Relationships with girls can be strained, catty and downright strange. The school has started a women’s group called Girlfriends, but the club is more about doing stereotypically girly things and generally acting like teenagers than repairing the competition between girls on campus.
    I have one close girl friend at school, plus a couple that I sometimes talk to, but woman-to-woman talks are pretty much non-existent.
    Lastly, as a woman who loves cunnilingus, thank you for posting this, I’ll be sure to pass it on…

  17. Bobbly May 18, 2011 at 6:14 PM #

    It’s not always women that give and don’t get…… My Lady for 28 years felt fellatio was for tramps and ho’s…. While I was going south at least weekly…She loved it, Rabbits etc…were regular fare…..Yet on a off night she’d fall asleep mid HJ….O’s were 6-7 for her 1 for him…..

    I alwas enjoyed the joy of giving pleasure….yet for her if there wasn’t something there right now for her, it wasn’t worth the effort.

    • damidwif May 19, 2011 at 5:16 PM #

      must be very frustrating. however, the problem i see with this (obviously purely as an outsider) is that for your Lady, going south may’ve been the only way she gets hers–as is the case for many woman. The fact that you don’t get head when you can get off on intercourse (i’m assuming), is just, well…dandy.

      • bobbly May 19, 2011 at 7:31 PM #

        As I’d said…it’s 6-7 O’s for her to 1 for me…
        She gets a 60/40 odds from intercourse esp cowgirl….and After 28 years…It’s 90% or better Ladies first…..only time she doesn’t get her’s is when She decides it’s not worth the additional effort or Kids ignore the stay away rule and ruin it for both of us…..Teens bickering outside your door will do that.
        My statement is some of us go the extra mile….only to find reciprocation rare

  18. anna May 19, 2011 at 11:37 AM #

    Ok so, I’m 28 yrs old and I’ve never had an orgasm (I don’t have/am not looking for a partner now.) Advice? If your advice does NOT include the need for equipment (vibrators, dildos, etc) all the better. It seems like when I try to touch myself it just doesn’t give me any real sensation.

    And yes, I’ve had sex; sex with crappy guys who think it starts when they stick their dick in and ends when they come. Enough of that crap.

    • damidwif May 19, 2011 at 5:17 PM #

      ashaf, maybe you should do another piece?

      i could try to answer…but this could get long, and I don’t want to further hijack this thread

      • Ashaf May 19, 2011 at 9:00 PM #

        Damidwif, I’d be interested to read your advice. I’m definitely not an expert, anna, but I think you should think about what makes you feel good more than you think about an orgasm. Touching yourself directly may be too much stimulation for now. Have you tried other ways of rubbing/ caressing yourself without digital stimulation? Have you tried doing other things that excite you, i.e. reading or watching erotica? And I agree: toys are best for those who already know what type of stimulation works for them. They can get pretty scary if you don’t.

    • riagiac May 20, 2011 at 10:21 AM #

      http://dodsonandross.com/sexfeature/first-time-orgasm

      Anna, thought this might be helpful. These instructions helped me learn to orgasm, and I ignored all the stuff about the vibrators and dildos. Even so, it took me a long time to really figure out my body but it was well worth the frustration. So keep it up, and good luck!

    • damidwif May 20, 2011 at 4:20 PM #

      If you aren’t aroused you could touch yourself all day long and nothing would happen. Figure out what arouses you. Maybe start with some music. And I’m not talking about a few minutes before you decide that “this” is the moment. I’m talking about getting yourself self juiced up all day with it if that does it for you. After that, if you’re visual, then find what stimulates you visually. If you’re a reader, then read it. You have the entire internet at your disposal if nothing else. When you’re aroused to the nth degree, you won’t need a vibrator, dildo, or your own hand because you’d be able to rub your swollen clit against your own thighs and have the big O.

      Also, you can read about doing this and that all day, but I’ve never heard of anyone getting better at anything without doing it. Not practicing. DOING it…whatever “it” is that you want to do.

  19. Le....Sigh. May 19, 2011 at 6:36 PM #

    I don’t have sex (penetration) at all. Aside from the fact that I trust no one and will reserve that experience for someone worth it… one of the other reasons is the fact that I already knew that most women do not experience orgasm with penetration. Since I do not have sex, I thought I might as well educate myself so when the time comes I better know what I’m doing, at least in theory lol. Not having sex though, when I’m with someone I do engage in foreplay and that includes cunnilingus but I have never reached that final destination. I have found that most guys do NOT know what they are doing.

    True story: On and off, I have been hooking up with someone for a few years. We never have sex but we go in on the foreplay. Every time he takes a detour it is simply horrible. At first, I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but the last time I just told myself that this isn’t fair because I give him pleasure and listen to his needs but he never reciprocated. One night, I was just telling him could you do it this way and that way and he got angry and left the room. He returned with chocolate pudding for the two of us. Ate his and then went to sleep…

    Quite frankly, I missed out on an earlier opportunity to have such a wonderful experience a few years ago. I was with someone and he had a tongue ring. Whatever he was doing was working within seconds and I got so scared I told him to stop. I have never had this feeling of not being in control; I just couldn’t take it lol. I need to go look up that guy’s number…

    • Ashaf May 19, 2011 at 9:14 PM #

      Thanks for writing Le…Sigh. I think you should continue to do what feels really good to you and continue to be as vocal as you have been with your partners. I really like sex that is like a conversation– two people trying to get to a sweet spot, no experts, no stars. There’s a certain level of vulnerability that has to happen for a really good conversation, and I’ve been on the receiving end of advice that initially made me uncomfortable. I think this is because of the self-help nature of sex talk in pop culture. Everyone is reading and/ or talking about how to be the best lover as if each specific partner won’t have unique desires or needs.

    • damidwif May 20, 2011 at 4:13 PM #

      girl, you are in control of your own orgasm.

      let it go until you go over the edge. that IS control

      go find the number when you’re ready…

  20. Scarlett DuBois May 19, 2011 at 9:24 PM #

    I do believe it gets wetter! I do, do!
    Wonderful post!

  21. Granger life May 20, 2011 at 7:54 AM #

    To answer as a man to the first few comments: its a weird but real compulsion that sex should end with penetration. At least if the sex is one of the lengthy, take an afternoon off kind. Its one that, honestly, needs to be untrained, but that doesn’t mean the man in question is an asshole or insensitive. At least for myself, that idea operates at a sub-liminal level. The good news is, when you start to break the cycle, it can lead to more aware sex, in which (at least myself) the man becomes more focused on everything, including all the other non-vaginal sources of pleasure.

    The best advice I can offer is to take charge of foreplay, (which even that word is a problem, huh?) Feedback is awesome too, don’t get me wrong, but if i’m guiding sex, I cannot totally dissociate my decision making from the things I want, so eventually, I will being pressing for penetration. Taking charge during foreplay, e.g. exploring all the non-genital erogenous zones in your partner, switches the power dynamic and alleviates the idea that he’s the leader during sex. One way of saying it is I think men tend to default to the idea that they are sexual leaders, and if you’re not actively participating in the progress/direction/action of sex, then you’re not participating in it (the direction, not sex) at all.

    Eventually, the need to do all this so deliberately will break down, and will become more natural, but you need to actively engage and break these ideas about men leading sex and the “compulsion to penetrate” first. And well, I’m sorry men don’t perceive it more readily, but we humans have a tendency to get stuck in our own perception.

    Finally, I will lend my voice in support of cunnilingus. I love performing it. I could not feel more connected to her pleasure more directly, and I love the idea that I’m the agent of her pleasure, taking her somewhere she’s been many times before, but always wants to go back too.

    • damidwif May 20, 2011 at 4:00 PM #

      “One way of saying it is I think men tend to default to the idea that they are sexual leaders,”

      YES! Because everything related to sex has been centered on “da dick”….and so the entire sexual encounter becomes, “are you ready for da dick yet?” because, I mean, then, what’s the point?

      “and if you’re not actively participating in the progress/direction/action of sex, then you’re not participating in it (the direction, not sex) at all.”

      I want to agree with this. But, you see, this leads me to envisioning how a rape scene goes down: woman is not actively participating gives me pictures of nonconsent==> = the absence of YES! therefore you, the man, feels free to proceed, being in control and all…and the woman didn’t say “no.”

      If a woman is NOT stroking the man’s member thru his pants, pants, unbuckling the belt, reaching thru the boxer briefs, pulling him closer while she lies there on the receiving end…then that isn’t passivity. that’s not being ready for da dick. am I wrong?

      • Granger Life May 31, 2011 at 7:27 AM #

        I understand what your saying, and I think I articulated myself wrong. There’s a lot of context in there from my own relationship that I didn’t share. There have been times where I’ve not moved forward during sex, and have been asked why, (because I’m not receiving such signals as you’ve mentioned).

        You’re absolutely right about “not being ready for da dick”. The point of my statement is men do tend to think with their dicks, and its a bad habit that needs to be broken. But there’s a good chance the man isn’t thinking about it like that. Chances are, he’s not thinking about it. If during the other parts of sex, you’re sending signals that you want to be there, and that you are enjoying what he is doing, but are not ready for penetration, you need to take control of the situation and continue the sex you want actively, and control the flow and direction of sex. Maybe I can say it this way: sex requires consent, so you need to be consenting to something if you want to be having sex. Consenting to cunnilingus, consenting to kissing, to manual stimulation, or to tickling the back of the knees. Send positive signals throughout sex.

        I don’t mean to excuse men from not being more collaborative lovers. Women should be able to expect men to be cautious and responsive. But the fact is, men are taught by media and a good portion of popular culture to be sexual leaders. They aren’t thinking; to them its normal. The unfortunate reality is that the women thinking about the subject have to be the ones who break the cycle of this thought with their partners. Any man worth being with will be responsive to the idea, and then will be able to change his habits, as he is now actively thinking.

      • damidwif May 31, 2011 at 4:55 PM #

        yes, granger life! (there was no reply buttom below your latest comment)

      • damidwif May 31, 2011 at 4:56 PM #

        whoops, scratch the second part of what i said, this reply thingy is confusing me

  22. NubianEmpress May 22, 2011 at 6:59 AM #

    You just gave life…LOVEDIT.COM!!!!

    I’m definitely coming…back to the site ;) really amazing

  23. somebody May 23, 2011 at 2:42 PM #

    Anything is great if you want it. Not so much if you don’t. I was dating a guy who supposedly wanted to give me pleasure through cunnilingus. I personally don’t like it so I said no but he kept diving at me anyway. I swiveled and spun to get away from his stupid face. Anyway, although he wanted to do that for some reason, he did define sex as penetration. He’s the only guy I’ve ever dated. The first time we did it I was breathing really hard because it hurt a lot. When I mentioned in passing afterward that I was dizzy he said, “That’s what happens when you have sex.” I felt really insulted because I had previously dated a girl for 2 years and had sex plenty of times, but apparently that didn’t count. I also got dizzy during my first pap test (which happened after having sex with him) because it hurt too. So, I suppose he’d have to call that sex too, right?

    I don’t know if what I’ve said is relevant but I can’t help but think of that jerk when people talk about guys who think they know everything about sex but have it all wrong.

    • damidwif May 23, 2011 at 5:17 PM #

      somebody, it’s relevant if you want it to be!

      re dizziness: when you are aroused, your blood flow increases in your genitals directing blood away from your brain. this can cause lightheadedness & dizziness even in absence of any euphoria.

      you also stated that you were “breathing really hard” in response to pain, and likely also in response to stress. this would increase your dizziness factor.

      please be careful during the pap as i don’t want you to roll off the table. stay hydrated and take it slow when you can.

      sex with girls may only count when they want to use it against you.

      cunnilingus that you don’t want totally sucks. been there!

  24. The Specimen May 24, 2011 at 5:42 AM #

    You know what, I wish my gf’s blowjobs lasted for 15 hours, but sex is an act between 2 people. If you want it exactly the way you want every single time that ain’t gonna happen. Get over it. If the sex is consistently bad, consider getting a new S.O. it’s not rocket science. /trolling

  25. somebody May 24, 2011 at 10:52 AM #

    @damidwif
    Don’t worry, I didn’t roll off the table! I know it’s because I was breathing too hard.

    @The Specimen
    Yeah, you just have to give up on some people.

  26. TaKeshia Brooks/Inda Lauryn May 24, 2011 at 11:49 AM #

    I wanted to share a (white) male perspective that I think is actually pretty cool. This is Big Poppa E with a poem called “How to Make Love.”

  27. s. May 27, 2011 at 2:53 AM #

    Hah! Awesome post. It took me years to learn how to have sex for my pleasure, not as a performance for my partners. It can be tough to do what you feel, not what you think would be “hot”. But it’s led me down paths I never thought I’d be interested in.

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