How To Say No: The “B” side to Self-Care

14 Mar

(This post is in response to Life Is Not A Fairytale:  Black Women and Depression, one of our earlier and most popular posts.)

It took me years to unlearn the habit of saying yes automatically when someone asked me for (or to do) something.  So often had that single syllable fallen from my tongue that I would often agree to things before people even asked.  In time I realized that I had spoiled the people around me to the point that they assumed I owed them a response of agreement, no matter how inconvenient and unreasonable it was.  Many times, if I was unable to concede, they would be agitated and annoyed—and I would feel guilty.  To this day I find that when I tell someone no, even a stranger, they seem surprised, almost offended, at my nerve.

And perhaps it is nerve.  And the fact that saying yes all the time got on my very last one, and kept me on edge.  I would say yes because as a self-described superwoman and strongblackwoman it was the only word I knew to say.  I would say yes because I was flattered at the request(s), anxious to people please, and focused on making other people happy.  I would say yes because it felt like the right thing to do, the polite reply to any well-intentioned question, and evidence that I was a good/nice/sweet/reliable/thoughtful/friendly/generous person.  I would say yes because I felt like people were taking score, and I wanted to always be on the plus side (even though, as is general with people who perpetually say yes, I hardly ever asked anyone for anything).  But the yeses nearly took me out.  I realized that saying yes to everyone else was in essence saying no to myself.  No, my personal time and space wasn’t important.  No, sleep was optional and it was reasonable to expect me to accomplish multiple tasks in a day.  No, I don’t deserve a moment to breathe or a moment of reprieve.  No, I’m not important—everyone else is.

When I learned to say no, I realized that it did not require an explanation and that “No” is an adequate one word response.  There didn’t have to be a substantial reason why.  No.  I didn’t need an excuse or grand reason that I didn’t want to participate in an event, or guest lecture in a class, or attend a workshop, or go to dinner, or review this book or this article, or go out on a date, or join a club or support group, or be a mentor/advisor/reader.  No.

Sometimes it (the no) is because I am simply tired, overwhelmed, depressed, moody, PMSing, jonesing, or otherwise distracted.  Other times it is because my plate is already full, overflowing with the residue of other unintentional or well-meaning yeses.  And sometimes, it is because I simply don’t want to, don’t have any interest or desire to, and would prefer to indulge in doing something else or nothing at all.

No, I don’t have other plans or a laundry list of chores to accomplish first;

No, I am not sick or bedridden;

No, I don’t have a deadline or a stack of papers to grade;

No, I’m not caking or sexing or crying;

No, I just don’t want to.

I don’t feel like it.

I have a date with my damn self, bubble bath, glass of wine, mellow music and all, and I’m not breaking it.  I have had a long day/week/month and I just want to chill.  I need some personal, one-on-one, just me and the reflection in the mirror time.  No, no, no!

So, in the spirit of knowing how to say no… I have the following suggestions that I have learned over the years (post 30):

1.   Always say “no” first.  Do not allow “yes” to be your default answer.  It is easier to go back later and say yes, than it is to go back later and say no.

2.  Never agree to do something on the spot.  Always take some time to think about it and consider whether or not it is going to be an imposition.  If it is, say no.

3.  Limit yourself on how many things you agree to do (beyond your comfort zone) every month/semester/year, etc.  I say “yes” to three things beyond my regular responsibilities every academic semester.  After that, I almost always (depending on the request) say no.  NOTE:  I said beyond my regular responsibilities, which already leave me with limited personal time.

4.  Never compromise your peace.  If you have a full plate, acknowledge it.  Don’t try to overcompensate for a previous “no” with a present “yes.”  Never agree to do something you are not comfortable doing or that will stretch you beyond your limits.  You do not owe anybody anything!

5.  If you have a choice (and clearly, sometimes, whether it be for personal or professional reasons, we don’t), reserve the right to decline or say no.

6.  Save some “yeses” for yourself.  Women have the tendency to put other people’s needs and priorities above their own.  Self-care is not selfish and even if it were, we deserve self-indulgence every now and then.  Don’t say yes to something that is essentially saying “no” to yourself.  Take care of yourself.

7.  Don’t apologize for saying no.  You have every right to decline a request or refuse an opportunity.  You should not feel like you are doing something wrong, being rude, disrespectful, or obstinate.  No is the other option to yes.  It is a neutral response, neither positive or negative (regardless of the requestor’s reaction).

8.  It is not a sin to change your mind.  Don’t feel locked into something just because you may have agreed to do it in the past.  Circumstances change.  Your #1 obligation should be to yourself.

This blog is also posted on blogher,

18 Responses to “How To Say No: The “B” side to Self-Care”

  1. Ayofemi March 14, 2011 at 4:39 PM #

    Thank you for this vital reminder to put myself first.

  2. moyazb March 14, 2011 at 4:46 PM #

    Thank You. Thank You for this! Saying yes to this post over and over and no to everything else for a while. Thank you!

    NO! NO! NO! *practicing*

    • rboylorn March 14, 2011 at 4:48 PM #

      practice makes perfect, sis!

  3. crunktastic March 14, 2011 at 4:47 PM #

    As a perpetual yes woman, I’m learning this lesson the hard way. Thanks for this much needed and eloquently written reminder, CF!

  4. rachael March 14, 2011 at 5:05 PM #

    i love this. thank you. 🙂

  5. Keyshie March 14, 2011 at 7:10 PM #

    This is so true…I have found myself being overwhelmed because I said yes too many times. It’s important to learn to say no for your own sanity. I still feel guilty, but I stick to it.

  6. sheridf March 14, 2011 at 8:06 PM #

    That feels nice. Lemme try again.
    No. No no. Oh no, not right now, no for now, just plain NO, hell naw. Okay I’m ready, No!

    Hehehe. All yeses to the B-side of selfcare. I’m loving all the self love I’m feeling coming from my crew.

  7. malik m.l. williams March 15, 2011 at 5:42 AM #

    this. this right here is what i needed.
    making it into a poster and putting it on my wall…

  8. Gwendolyn Pough March 15, 2011 at 8:41 AM #

    Great advice!

  9. kristlsmithtyler March 15, 2011 at 8:44 AM #

    I was always a pleaser and have finally, after age 40 started to get better at saying no. My sister was always able to do it. As early as high school her pat reply was “What are they gonna do? Beat me up?” – I always hear this in my head when I am getting ready to say no. Like you say, the requestor doesn’t have an innate right to your time an efforts – certianly not more so than you do…so it’s good to think about the worst consequence of saying no – which is usually nothing.

  10. Nga March 15, 2011 at 11:54 AM #

    amazing. thank you for the post!

  11. rboylorn March 15, 2011 at 2:56 PM #

    Self care is not a luxury…it is a necessity (we can all afford)! I am learning to pay myself like a bill and a tithe, on time and without question. Making myself a priority!!

  12. eeshap March 16, 2011 at 9:54 AM #

    Thank you for this!

    “Never compromise your peace” really resonated with me, and reminds me that taking care of yourself is a revolutionary act!

  13. S March 16, 2011 at 8:02 PM #

    I’ve started to get more attention from strange (as in, they’re strangers) men recently, and I’m still trying to get used to that and go for the “no”s instead of “just make them go away”.

    So, thanks for the reminder and affirmation. =)

  14. sharpie March 22, 2011 at 10:41 PM #

    Thank you! I needed this. I’ve realized only recently how much of a “yes” woman I’ve been, and I’ve started to change that, but this post has given me inspiration to know that no-ing isn’t negative or something to feel bad about.. I love the idea that it’s a “neutral option”. Love it. Please keep dispensing wisdom..

  15. Di March 24, 2011 at 6:46 AM #

    As a person who continued to say “yes” during a 5-month major depressive episode, I say YES to this post! If you really want to challenge yourself, try saying “No” and NOT qualifying it or trying to help the person who asked you to find someone to do whatever it is they are asking.

    Don’t talk about the huge project at work, your partner’s crazy travel schedule, the house being on the market, your second-born’s therapy schedule, your dog’s boundary issues or the fact that you really need to spend more time playing Bejeweled Blitz on your iPhone.

    Just say, “I’m afraid I can’t at this time.”

  16. Jonah Bondurant March 28, 2011 at 11:33 AM #

    My intermediate ESL students are loving this post, they all heartily feel what it says. Thank you very much for these words that give me heart as well.


  1. What do you think? Plus, a link fest! « the distant panic - March 25, 2011

    […] “How to Say No: The ‘B’ Side to Self-Care” on the Crunk Feminist Collection – A post about the ills of taking on too many projects or responsibilities out of a sense of obligation and activism, and the need to affirm our own value instead. […]

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